Many people have asked me, over the last couple weeks, how I’m feeling about this trip to Sierra Leone. Excited? Yes. Nervous? Yes.
But feelings are something I’m not so great at, so those two options seem only partially true. I have a hard time answering the ‘how are you feeling’ question in normal situations. And in this abnormal one? Sheesh! I have almost no idea where to begin to discern all the emotions welling up inside. Sadness when my kids cry as they say goodbye. Fear when I consider how little control I have over all that is to come. Angst when I contemplate the fact that safety and ease are not promised by God – in fact He often uses trials to bring about our growth and His good. Anticipation for all the new sights and sounds and smells. Curiosity about a drastically different culture. Uncertainty regarding who and what and how I will be teaching next week.
I’m sure there are more feelings in there that I have yet to realize.
But last night I discerned, in the midst of all these feelings, there hides an underlying thread of reluctance. Maybe even resistance. I know it’s God’s desire for me to go, He’s made it abundantly clear. But a lot of me still doesn’t want to go.
Call me Jonah.
Maybe not quite like Jonah, because I have no animosity toward the people we go to see. But there are so many compelling reasons for me to stay. Kids, home, ministry, safety, comfort.
But God says go.
God sent a giant fish to course correct Jonah. God is sending me in ‘Air-Whale.’
Obedience is complicated. Ideally, I would always obey with enjoy and enthusiasm. Ideally, My kids would too. 😉
But my reluctant, self-motivated heart sometimes holds too much sway.
And it begins to become too much about me.
Jonah, it wasn’t about you and your comfort and your desires. It was and still is about God and His glory and His Loving-kindness.
It’s not about me; this trip, this life. It is and always will be about God and His Glory and His Loving-kindness.
As my feet obey, Lord, gather up my heart to joyful participation.
Hope to check in here again sometime soon!